As a child, I was reprimanded for chatter on a pretty regular basis. From age three on, I have vivid memories of parents, daycare ladies, teachers, and grandparents asking me to keep it down. Although my mom probably indulged my curiosity more often than anyone else, my questions were often met with answers like “Ladye, shhh.” “Ladye please, that’s enough talking.” “Ladye, why don’t we play the quiet game?”
Naturally, my elementary school teachers viewed my talking as a distraction. My report cards always had all A’s, but you can bet they also had notes in the Comments section that usually went along the lines of “Intelligent girl, but disrupts class by talking out of turn” or “Incessant talking, otherwise great student". I would get in trouble for asking the teachers too many questions during lecture, or for chatting with friends after I’d finished my work. I never recall being sent to the office (except that time I took my skirt off in 4th grade to reveal basketball shorts underneath), but I definitely remember teachers rolling their eyes, and some getting very obviously annoyed with me as soon as my hand went up in class. I loved learning, I just loved talking about it even more.
I’ve discovered as an adult that I actually have ADHD (which explains a LOT), but I’m not sure that insight would’ve changed much back then. I was Ladye Loudmouth. I wanted to know and discuss ALL. THE. THINGS.
If I was told something was one way, I wanted to know why it wasn’t the other way. I had why’s and how’s for just about everything, and if anyone asked my opinion (as if they had to) I was ready and willing to share. In retrospect, I know I lacked self-awareness, but I also realize the adults around me weren’t quite as curious about the world as I was.
As I was working the other day, I had this breakthrough:
The reason I find it so hard to speak in front of a group or put my writing out there is because subconsciously I’ve developed the belief that no one is interested in what I have to say. People who know me may not believe this, but I’m initially very self-conscious about talking to groups or new people, especially if I have to carry on with small talk. I also take way longer than what most would deem necessary to respond to an e-mail or send an important text. This seems silly, because bosses and colleagues have praised my writing, and I’ve even been encouraged to write books. Yet still, I’m afraid I’m going to say the wrong thing, be misperceived, or be unable to hold readers’ attention.
Yess…I know my story about the dead squirrel in my son’s backpack went viral, but I never gave myself much credit for writing about it because let’s be real… Brylan’s story told itself, and the photo was the real Point of Interest (thanks Principle Goff!).
Even with decent writing, you can’t forget the grammar critics. I like to use improper sentence structures and unnecessary words from time to time, like how am I going to deal with knowing someone out there will read these things and think I don’t know what I’m doing?
Sounds like a bunch of neurotic excuses, eh? Yep, I know. Excuses and anxiety…eff them both.
In writing this blog, I’m putting my curious thoughts and ramblings out there for the world. I owe it to the little elementary school Ladye who was so curious, yet constantly silenced. I share my thoughts here to liberate my inner child and to give my children documented insight into who their mom is/was. I hope that through all my ramblings, someone out there will be healed or touched in some way by my experiences and inspired to conquer a fear or insecurity of their own.
Have you decided to conquer a fear or start/finish something this year? What is it? How have you kicked anxiety in the past to pursue a passion? I’d love to hear from you in the comments!
Love and light,
Ladye